When the Rain Comes

As of Friday (the 24th)Matt and I have been engaged for 5 months. As I thought about that, I knew, in many cases, people are nearing the end of their wedding planning and are fast approaching their wedding day. I also knew, that isn't the case for me. I knew it would be that way from the moment I looked at my ring in Matt's hand and told him that "yes, I would marry him." On that same day I also told him that "yes. I would wait for him."
The knowledge of that doesn't make waiting until what I feel is a better time to start planning, or waiting for an undetermined amount of time to have a wedding any easier. In these 5 months, I have been doing pretty well I think, with being patient. (At least I've been doing well for being an IMPATIENT person:) I've been doing well with not feeling like the waiting will never end, I've been doing well with having no idea when our wedding will be and I've been doing well with not being really anxious about all of it. But I can't lie. After being at Lindsay's wedding and being there with Matt...it's been hard. In this week following her beautiful day, I have felt impatient for the first time. I have felt anxious for the first time. I've felt more antsy than ever to start planning. I've felt for the first time like the waiting will never end. And it's getting harder for me not knowing at all when our wedding will be. Saturday was the first really hard day I've had with knowing that I'm in an unditermined long engagement.
I want so badly to start planning, but I really feel I need to wait until the beginning of the year. I know that a year and a half is a possibility for when our waiting will be over and a wedding will be had. So I'm afraid that if I start planning now I'll start getting to much done and then I'll be left to wait around until our wedding day. And what if it's not in a year and a half? Then why would I want to wait longer than that with nothing left to plan for? I want to know if a year and a half is still just a possibility or if we can say that's what it will be. If it's going to be longer than that, I want to know. But I don't know any of that. And it's hard not knowing.
I spent an hour Sat afternoon looking at a bridal magazine because I needed to feel like I had something...it's hard to explain what I mean by that. But I needed to feel like this being engaged is real.
I texted Matt Saturday night and cried nearly the whole time. I cry because I have a dream I want to create into a reality. I cried because I miss him. I cried because I hate not knowing. I cried becasue I want the waiting to be over. I cried because, I know that Matt feels the same way I do...that's a knowledge that's half comforting, because it lets me know I'm not alone. But it's half saddening, because it makes me feel like "then lets please just get married." I would never tell Matt that though. I know why we're waiting. If we got married now, I'd never see him. Being engaged to Matt shows him and the world that he's the one I want to be with everyday. But I really wouldn't be if we just went with what we want and got married now. We're waiting because financially, he couldn't support both of us right now. He IS paying for his school on his own, as he goes, after all and that's extremely expensive. Then there's the rest of life's day to day bills:health insurance, car payments, phone bills, car insurance, gas (which he spends alot of money on between work and school)and there's probably a list of other things he has to deal with that I don't know about. If we got married now he'd be paying for health insurance for 2, car insurance for 2 vehicles, we'd be paying rent or making payments every month on a mortgage, it would be phone bills for 2 phones and probably a land line, gas for 2 cars, everything would double and he'd STILL have to pay for school and he'd STILL be gone 2 nights a week until almost 11 and he'd STILL have homework every night of the week that would keep him up unitl 11 or after and then there would be me.
Matt wants to take care of me. He wants to be there for me. He wants to support me. And the reality is, he can't do that to the extent that he can, should, and wants to at this point. So we wait. And I understand that. And I wouldn't try to talk him out of that. Unless I felt it was becoming unhealty to our relationship to be waiting or something. But at this point, it's not at all unhealty. It's right. It's what Matt feels God is directing him to do. So I don't share to deeply how hard it is. I didn't share and often don't share that I cry. I don't want Matt to think the tears are his fault, because he's the one that's said we're waiting. My tears aren't his fault and never are. My tears are my humanity. My tears are my impatience. Which sometimes, can be sinful, if I cry in an impatient way that questions God's plan. God knows I'll cry. He's created me to cry as a way to help ease sadness that I sometimes feel. But He doesn't want me to forget that He's in control. That He knows what He's doing. That He knows why we're waiting. That He wants to help bear my burdens. He wants to give me strength to move on from my tears with my head held high and ready to face what comes. God is there for me and if I would only remember that more often than I do, how much easier it would be when the rain feels like it's come!